jen has a blog..?

How in the world is it already 2010? 2009, where did you go?! I’ve been thinking in these last few days of 2009 how grateful I am for this year. So much has happened, but I feel like it just went by so fast! The year 2009 will definitely go down in my “soul record book.” The Lord has done more work in my heart in the last year than in a whole lot of years put together. And looking at my very first post, I feel like these lyrics to I’m Alive are very appropriate for the theme of my 2009.

I remember this time last year…I had just quit my job at the doctors office, moved back in with my parents, ended the longest relationship I had ever been in, and got rejected from ALL the PA schools I applied to. It was as if everything I held onto for stability was stripped away in a matter of about 4 weeks. It. was. rough. But looking back, it was exactly what I needed.

All of January I remember waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach. I think part of it stemmed from feeling a little like a failure for moving in with my parents and not really having any definite plans for the future, and part of it was an ache and longing to see the one man I cared most about to find victory over sin even though I couldn’t stand beside him while he battled. January was the month I pledged to read all of the New Testament in 2009. I started in Luke, and it started as kind of a chore, something I knew I was supposed to do and really had no excuse not to do it since I had a wide open schedule each day. But it wasn’t long before I got to a place where sitting down and reading my Bible was something I actually looked forward to doing every morning. The Lord was teaching me so much! And showing me what it was like to seek Him with all of my heart and FIND HIM.

One of the greatest things that happened in my heart in the weeks to come was coming to the realization that even on my BEST DAY, I am still in desperate need of God’s grace. Desperate for the grace God freely offers through Christ. For the first time in my life I really began to grasp the wickedness in my soul. I’ve struggled a lot with grace my whole life because I was a good kid and if you compared me to the world, I was doing great; but compare me to the God of the universe and I am no better than any other soul on this earth - sinful and dirty and wretched. One night I sobbed on my bedroom floor as I realized how much we have perverted every good thing God gave us. I..ME..have twisted the things that He gave me to enjoy and turned them into sin. In that moment I felt, what my human brain could comprehend, the weight of my sin. It hurt.

For a few days after this realization, I struggled a little with why God even cared for such a dark world and dark people, but as a battled through those thoughts and was reminded of the truths of the Father’s constant pursuing and adoration for His children, my soul and spirit became on fire for the Lord. Maybe for the first time I really understood the sweetness of redemption and grace through Christ and my desperate need for it.

My life didn’t look much different but my soul finally found rest in the fact that there was nothing I could do or not do to earn the love of God. For the first time I truly began to learn and understand what it meant to find my identity as a person and as a woman, in Christ. I began to see that there were parts of my life that I wasn’t letting God in - heart issues - that were hindering me from loving people the way I am called to. I read in Corinthians, the same power that raised Christ from the dead gives us power over sin. So not only to we have power over death in Christ, but power over our battle with sin. My soul had never felt so free.

I began to desire that God would take me to a new place and as I sought hard after Him, watch him provide the things I needed. That became my prayer, and He did it! I got offered a full ride scholarship to TCU and got to intern with middle school girls and build relationships with other believers in this new city where I had no friends. It wasn’t an easy place but it was such a sweet place. The harder I leaned, the stronger I found Him to be.

And its still tough. 2009 started with some tears and ended with some tears too. Tears of heartache, longing, joy, gratitude, and hope…but never tears of hopelessness.

“But we also ourselves, having the first fruits of the spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.” Romans 8:23

All of creation groans, but we groan in hope. Our hearts weren’t made for this this world. We long for a place where there is no pain, tears, and struggle because there WAS a place with no pain tears and struggle. Praise God that we have hope because Christ came so that we could experience that place - the place our hearts were made for.

So as I begin 2010, I’m hopeful. Trusting the same God who lovingly sent Christ, will lovingly lead and direct my life path much better than I could do on my own. He is at work - changing my heart. Conforming me into the image of His Son (Rom 8:29). I still battle, I’m still not the woman I desire to be. But what I lack, Christ covers. And I hope that at the end of 2010, I will be closer to the woman I do desire to be than I am today. Progressive sanctification. It’s a battle. But victory is the battle.

Thank you Lord for a year of growth, heart change, struggle, and hope. ‘Something deep within is welling up in praise….’