jen has a blog..?

I just finished the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and it was the first book that I have finished and immediately wanted to read all over again. Its just where my heart has been the last year..figuring out the root of the aches and longings of my heart. 

One of my favorite chapters compared the heart’s journey through life from a secular view and spiritual view and how Satan can use an easy life to cheapen grace and mask the power of the Lord. Here is a little excerpt that I think is especially true of Americans:

Satan’s masterpiece is not the prostitute or the skid-row bum. It is the self-sufficient person who has made life comfortable, who is adjusting well to the world and truly likes living here, a person who dreams of no better place to live, who longs only to be a little better - and a little better off - than he already is. 

The Spirit’s masterpiece is the man or woman who much prefers to live elsewhere, who finds no deep joy in the good things of this life, who looks closely in the mirror and yearns to see something different, whose highest dream is to be in the Presence of the grace-filled Father. It is the person whose life here is consumed with preparing to meet Him there. 

I think I loved this chapter so much because that is exactly what my heart has learned over the past year…that even the good blessings in life..a great family, a good marriage, deep friendships…are not meant to satisfy the depths of our hearts. Those are all great things! They are things that the Lord in His grace chooses to let us enjoy. But only He has the ability to wholly satisfy. There is a ache in our hearts while we are in this place to be with our Maker. And that ache and longing will only be satisfied when we get to be in His presence for eternity. 

I was so convicted while reading it that though I know this truth, I still fight my flesh and the lie that “if only I was married, THEN this ache would dull” or “if only I looked like so and so, THEN I would be just a little more satisfied than I am now.” 

Lies.

It was when the hopes and dreams for my life came crashing down a year ago that I got to experience my God like I never had in my life. Things in this life - even good things - can never produce the kind of joy we are designed to experience. And the Lord was gracious enough to reveal that truth to my heart by taking away the things of this world that I held too closely to. And I hope He continues to do so throughout my life (although I know that involves pain, and so it scares me a little to hope for that). But I know that is the one place that I am able to worship in truth. 

If someone saw my day today they probably wouldn’t say it was anything super adventurous or exciting. But there was something about today that from the depths of my spirit and soul was so satisfying. Its mothers day and it started out teaching my middle schoolers (which in itself is a neat thing because i’m not good at it! yet the Lord always seems to work even in my insufficiency) and then I got to drive home and be with my mom for mothers day. not long after I got home we went to pick up Jess and James and we all (minus Dave :( ) went to listen to Ben speak and Donna lead worship at faithbridge. I miss those two so much so I was so excited that I got the chance to hear Ben in person (podcasts just aren’t the same) and get to say hi to them. God has gifted Ben so tremendously in his ability to teach the Word and speak truth in a way that instills a longing to know the Lord more. It was just what I needed -  a reminder that this life is not about me and my agenda. 

Afterwards we all went to Saltgrass for dinner. The meal was delicious but just being together is what made it so great. We talked about God and sharing our faith and about Jesus and grace. At one point Dad made a comment about what a blessing it is to be able to have conversations as a family about the goodness of God. And its true. So often I forget just how rare it is to have a family like the one I do. It satisfied my soul because that is what life is about - celebrating and enjoying the people you love, and talking about and glorifying the One who ordained it all.

.blessed. 

How in the world is it already 2010? 2009, where did you go?! I’ve been thinking in these last few days of 2009 how grateful I am for this year. So much has happened, but I feel like it just went by so fast! The year 2009 will definitely go down in my “soul record book.” The Lord has done more work in my heart in the last year than in a whole lot of years put together. And looking at my very first post, I feel like these lyrics to I’m Alive are very appropriate for the theme of my 2009.

I remember this time last year…I had just quit my job at the doctors office, moved back in with my parents, ended the longest relationship I had ever been in, and got rejected from ALL the PA schools I applied to. It was as if everything I held onto for stability was stripped away in a matter of about 4 weeks. It. was. rough. But looking back, it was exactly what I needed.

All of January I remember waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach. I think part of it stemmed from feeling a little like a failure for moving in with my parents and not really having any definite plans for the future, and part of it was an ache and longing to see the one man I cared most about to find victory over sin even though I couldn’t stand beside him while he battled. January was the month I pledged to read all of the New Testament in 2009. I started in Luke, and it started as kind of a chore, something I knew I was supposed to do and really had no excuse not to do it since I had a wide open schedule each day. But it wasn’t long before I got to a place where sitting down and reading my Bible was something I actually looked forward to doing every morning. The Lord was teaching me so much! And showing me what it was like to seek Him with all of my heart and FIND HIM.

One of the greatest things that happened in my heart in the weeks to come was coming to the realization that even on my BEST DAY, I am still in desperate need of God’s grace. Desperate for the grace God freely offers through Christ. For the first time in my life I really began to grasp the wickedness in my soul. I’ve struggled a lot with grace my whole life because I was a good kid and if you compared me to the world, I was doing great; but compare me to the God of the universe and I am no better than any other soul on this earth - sinful and dirty and wretched. One night I sobbed on my bedroom floor as I realized how much we have perverted every good thing God gave us. I..ME..have twisted the things that He gave me to enjoy and turned them into sin. In that moment I felt, what my human brain could comprehend, the weight of my sin. It hurt.

For a few days after this realization, I struggled a little with why God even cared for such a dark world and dark people, but as a battled through those thoughts and was reminded of the truths of the Father’s constant pursuing and adoration for His children, my soul and spirit became on fire for the Lord. Maybe for the first time I really understood the sweetness of redemption and grace through Christ and my desperate need for it.

My life didn’t look much different but my soul finally found rest in the fact that there was nothing I could do or not do to earn the love of God. For the first time I truly began to learn and understand what it meant to find my identity as a person and as a woman, in Christ. I began to see that there were parts of my life that I wasn’t letting God in - heart issues - that were hindering me from loving people the way I am called to. I read in Corinthians, the same power that raised Christ from the dead gives us power over sin. So not only to we have power over death in Christ, but power over our battle with sin. My soul had never felt so free.

I began to desire that God would take me to a new place and as I sought hard after Him, watch him provide the things I needed. That became my prayer, and He did it! I got offered a full ride scholarship to TCU and got to intern with middle school girls and build relationships with other believers in this new city where I had no friends. It wasn’t an easy place but it was such a sweet place. The harder I leaned, the stronger I found Him to be.

And its still tough. 2009 started with some tears and ended with some tears too. Tears of heartache, longing, joy, gratitude, and hope…but never tears of hopelessness.

“But we also ourselves, having the first fruits of the spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.” Romans 8:23

All of creation groans, but we groan in hope. Our hearts weren’t made for this this world. We long for a place where there is no pain, tears, and struggle because there WAS a place with no pain tears and struggle. Praise God that we have hope because Christ came so that we could experience that place - the place our hearts were made for.

So as I begin 2010, I’m hopeful. Trusting the same God who lovingly sent Christ, will lovingly lead and direct my life path much better than I could do on my own. He is at work - changing my heart. Conforming me into the image of His Son (Rom 8:29). I still battle, I’m still not the woman I desire to be. But what I lack, Christ covers. And I hope that at the end of 2010, I will be closer to the woman I do desire to be than I am today. Progressive sanctification. It’s a battle. But victory is the battle.

Thank you Lord for a year of growth, heart change, struggle, and hope. ‘Something deep within is welling up in praise….’

So I was listening to pandora today and watermark’s “Still” has played on my station quite a few times, but today was the first time that I stopped and actually listened to the words…wow…the depths of my heart the last 2 days put into words:

The more I get alone

The more I see I need to get alone more, more

Cause just when I think that I’m alone

Your Spirit calls out to me

And even silence has a song

Cause that’s when You come

Sing over me

Still, let me be still

Let me be okay

With the quiet in my heart

Still, I want to be still

I’m so quick to move

Instead of listening to You

Shut my mouth

Crush my pride

Give me the tears

Of a broken life

Still

Of this world, it falls around me

And flutters all it’s beauty in my eyes

But let me choose the solitude

Simplicity has always simply changed my life

Cause even stillness makes me move

Cause that’s when my heart

Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still

Let me be okay

With the quiet in my heart

Still, I want to be still

I’m so quick to move

Instead of listening to You

I’m your child

Tame my heart

Obedience

To me impart

Still

hold me

cleanse me

change me, oh God

Change me while I am

Still, let me be still

And know that you are God

And You’re always enough

Still, I want to be still

To take all that I am

And simply lift it up

Shut my mouth

Crush my pride

Give me the tears

Of a broken life

Still… Still.. Still.. Still…

Well, so much for updating this summer. It been about 4 months since that last post. Fort Worth has been great…exciting, scary, fun, hard, draining, fulfilling…sanctifying. At times I’ve wanted to run away, but I know this is exactly. where. I’m. supposed. to. be.

So, the reason for this post…

I don’t think I have every been as busy as I currently am with life. Balancing working for my department working for McKinney AND getting my masters = there is never a moment in my day that I don’t feel like I have something to get done. I’ve definitely had some feelings of being overwhelmed…got a nice bout of the swine flu as a result…but overall I think I’ve handled my stress much better than I used to.

However, this week has been incredible tough. When I get stressed, my guards come down and Satan gets me. I hate it. But its true. Anyways, I was writing a lab report tonight and I went to open a document and came across the thing I wrote in the spring about who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be defined. At that point in my life, I had a crystal clear picture of what and who I wanted to be in life. I had forgotten some of the things I’d put down so it was so great for me to go back and read, especially after such a tough week and hard night. The 3 sentences that stuck out to me the most and pretty much punched me in the gut were these:

I don’t want a comfortable “American Dream” lifestyle. I have realized that it masks the power of the Lord and makes us weak and vulnerable. I don’t want to be stagnant in my walk – and when things are comfortable I get lazy.

Whoa. I said that?! Well, the Lord was definitely faithful in that area :)   But really, as I really started to think about that again, that is exactly what I want…or don’t want. I don’t want my walk with Christ to be stagnant and I know that the tougher my life is and the more struggles I face, the deeper my roots go, the stronger I am, and the more my heart is sanctified. If my life were easy and comfortable I would get lazy and miss out on so much of God’s faithfulness, greatness, grace and power. As my heart becomes sanctified, it realizes that it doesn’t belong here, and it longs for Home. And there is something hopeful about that. That I will never find anything in this world that will satisfy my heart, and that I’m not searching for or missing out on something.

Steadfast: fixed or unchanging, firmly loyal or constant, unwavering.

I’m trying to let steadfastness have its full effect in me (James 1:4).

Struggling. But hopeful.

So I live in Fort Worth! It seemed like it all happened so fast, but looking back I can see the Lord’s fingerprints all over it, and this is exactly what my prayer has been for the last 4 months. The Lord is faithful…here we go!

At the moment, I’m sitting on the floor of my living room in my new apartment that is completely empty. I have with me a suitcase full of clothes, bathroom stuff, and my coffee maker (very important) :). I get to camp out on the floor for the next few days. 

I’ve had a very interesting day today. Well, more like my soul has had an interesting day today…my day was pretty ordinary. Today was the first day that reality hit me that I am in a completely new place and I don’t know anyone. Earlier this week I had my mom here helping me find a place to live, and for the last 2 days I have slept on Jenna’s couch (who by the way is incredible for taking in a stranger that she knows very little about and just handing over a key to her house and saying ‘make yourself at home!’…to me that is amazing and I’m very thankful for her). Basically, this was the first day that I have been alone in Fort Worth. As I drove around running errands and getting things for my place, I had two very different emotions. For one, I was so excited to live in a new city and be on my own again, there is something very invigorating about that for me. But the other feeling was..I am completely alone in a brand new city. And that is not so invigorating. So, I have been battling today. Fighting not to dwell on loneliness and fighting to resist the temptation to believe that it was a mistake to come here. This is exactly what I have prayed for - that God would take me to a new place, and in that place that I would seek hard after Him and watch Him provide for me. Here I am, He gave me a new place! Funny how it’s so easy to find other things to distract me from going to the Lord. I’ve done a great job of avoiding it all week! What a reminder of how in need of grace I still am…

So I’m not surprised that I am sitting in an empty apartment with no tv, no roommates, no distractions. 

As I sit here and think about what to write next, I’m beginning to think I’m using this very thing as a distraction too. Why is it so hard for us to get on our knees and go to the Lord?!  Our mind wars against us. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

Last time I went to The Village Church Matt talked about this exact thing. That we have to fight to renew our minds. 

More updates to come. Since I don’t have tv or anything really, I’m hoping to keep a good record here my first summer as an intern.

But for now, I’m gonna go fight.

“He made Him who knew no sin to became sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”

2 Cor 5:21

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our inequities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:5

and now…

“greater is He who is within you than he who is in the world”

1 John 4:4

For so long I have heard about and believed in the power that Christ gave to us when He defeated sin. But just in the last few months have I actually experienced in my own life. It’s real! In Him there IS freedom, peace, hope, joy, and victory over the flesh! 

He is risen! And the battle over this world has a Hero…it is finished.

The shalom - fellowship, harmony, and peace with God - of the earth has been restored!

happy easter :)

“ Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

 When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”

Deut. 6:4-12

Don’t forget how far the Lord has brought you and how much He has done for you.

So, I think that I mentioned this a little while ago, but lately as I listen to sermons my stomach is literally doing flips…it’s weird…I guess it is from excitement to hear affirmation of what the Lord is teaching me? Regardless, it has been happening a lot lately. I feel like a sponge - I just can’t get enough. My spirit is thirsty for truth. 

I’ve been listening to a lot of Matt Chandler lately, and the one I listened to today was incredible. It was a talk from about a year ago called “nine pastoral prayers” and he talked about the 9 prayers that he continually prayed as he started The Village way back in the beginning. They are full of truth and very challenging! I think they are prayers we should all pray for ourselves and all believers. So I wrote them down…

1. That we would see that the greatest problem in the universe is not mere mortal failure, but rather a failure to honor God. 

2. That we would understand that discipline rarely brings about love, but love always brings about discipline. 

He pointed out that this is what makes us needy, desperate for Christ people. 

3. Remember that children of God are not under His wrath, but under His mercy. 

He sends us joy AND sorrow to detach our hands from the things of this world and attach those hands to Him.

4. Know that fullness of all things - life and joy - is in Christ

Not because He makes things in life better, but because He is better than life.

5. That we would experience a holy discontentment with where our lives are and work toward the hope of where our lives can go.

He’s not saying that we shouldn’t be content in the Lord, he’s just saying that our walk with Christ is never done - until we die, or He comes back.

6. Recognize that God has purposely placed us here at this time, in this place, for His glory. 

7. That we would develop a taste for truth - even the difficult ones

8. That we would embrace Biblical Christianity, NOT American evangelicalism 

NOT the prosperity gospel. NOT that God’s greatest affection is you - it’s Himself

9. That we would believe in the miraculous gifts of the Holy Spirit and desire them earnestly. 

Anyways, I really enjoyed listening to them. I think they are all so true. And they are hard prayers, they’re not going to make life nice and easy. But I believe they will make life rich and meaningful, and these days I’ve decided I’m not so sure I want an easy, struggle-free life. In that place, I think we miss out on the depths, power, and character of the Lord. 

Well, now that I’ve been home for over a month now, I finally have some pictures of Honduras. This was actually the real reason I even started a blog…to put my Honduras pictures up since I don’t have facebook anymore. I’m a little impatient, so I only put a few. 

But the one thing I love about looking back at all my pictures is looking at the kids’ smiles. Some of them have barely anything, some didn’t have shoes, some wore the same clothes every day, yet you can see in their faces that they’re still joyful. Its a great testament that the things in our life that bring us true joy are “things” at all. 

Some days I just want to go back.